Reading my old xanga post makes me feel nostalgic, and old.
I can't believe how much raw emotion I used to have. I rarely ever get that... passionate about anything, anymore.

I'm at such a different stage of my life. A part of me wants to be that emotionally immature again, just to feel alive. It's funny, because back then, I wanted to skip forward to the 'settled' part of my life. The part with a boyfriend, a job, etc. I have all that now.

I want to get back into music again. Even though I wasn't a very creative person, I loved playing music because it was how I expressed emotion. On xanga, my words were my poetic release of emotion. I think about my life right now, and I have no emotional outlet. It's not a big problem, because, unlike the younger me, I'm not bursting with emotions.

Gone are the days where I can rock my black nails, mascara, eyeliner and dyed emo fringe. I want to find that inner emo boy and bring him out again. Since I stopped using my iPhone, it's been so long since I've put on my ear phones and just block out the world with my music. Mouthing and dancing down a secluded street as I wander around aimlessly.

I wanna create a playlist, jump and dance in my room, jam the songs badly on my guitar, sing loudly, and laugh uninhibitedly with friends. I want more hugs & cuddles. I want more inappropriate touching, groping, fondling. I want more fun in my life.

I'm going to start by having a party in my head every day by listening to my fun music and maybe by osmosis it'll leak out!

Maybe due to work instability, recently I've been unsure about who I am and where I am in the world. I know I've changed a lot, and many-a-things have happened to me that contributed to profound life experiences... and yet, tonight, for one night... I was brought back to where I was half a decade ago.

Seeing you broke my heart all over again.

Uptitled

For those that are unaware of what 'Uptitled' means, look here and here.

Recently, I've been offered a new role within the research facility that I'm working at. At first, I was delighted to have been even considered, let alone be offered it. However, I should rewind a year and start at the beginning.

March 18th, 2010:
I had an interview with a research professor for the lab technician role. It's not a glamorous role, but hey, I was an honours graduate with no full-time work experience. Several hours after the interview, I had a call back saying "when can you start?". My response was "Immediately".

My role consisted of doing menial technical tasks on a scientific instrument under the guidance of a technical/research post-doc. I didn't mind that though. When I started, I knew it would be a rather brainless job, doing repetitive tasks. I wanted that. I wanted something 9-5, party whenever I wanted and live pay check to pay check. Unfortunately, said post-doc was due to leave in a few months, I was expected to do the impossible of filling his shoes. So when he left, I filled the hole of a senior technical postdoc. Since my boss saw my potential for doing more than my job required, he continued to give me more responsibility. I was independently developing technical methods, while co-managing the research group with the resident manager. The labs for the entire centre were getting refurbished, and I was asked to be one of two to represent our research group on the refurbishment committee, discussing with project managers, architects and contractors our needs for the upcoming labs. I was then nominated to be the project manager of the centre for the whole refurbishment and relocation of our labs, while, of course, continuing to keep the technical instruments functioning.

My boss saw that my role had somehow morphed into a much more advanced and senior role than originally stated when I was first hired, and saw fit to give me a financial promotion. It felt so amazing for someone to recognise how much (extra) work I had put in, and how hard I tried to be more than what I was. Somehow, over the year that I've been here... I strived to be more than just the 9-5 technician that I originally wanted to be.

Several months after my first promotion, I was offered a new role. To be the centre's new lab facility manager (the title is still yet to be confirmed). I was so psyched about this role. It was something that I felt I would be perfect for. I felt like it was a gigantic leap forward, not just for my career but for my own self development.

March 17th, 2011:
I sat down with my new boss (the director of the centre) to work on my position description together. I must admit, the new role will have several-fold more responsibility, and much more work than what I am currently doing. It would not only include managing one lab, but 5 different labs, 2 offices, 1 server room, 1 walk in freezer and 1 plant room. It would include managing all 4 research groups in the centre who will be the primary users of the labs and liaise with other people on an institute level. Additionally, since the different research groups have never had shared labs before, there will be a mountain-sized amount of work to do to ensure all users will be able to work together in a shared environment, while setting up new lab policies, and implementing it centre-wide. On the same day, I was told that I was going to stay on the same pay level. I shall repeat, same pay level.

I'll admit it... After that meeting concluded, I walked out and cried. Hard.

The position I'm in now:
I've started taking on manager responsibilities as the labs will be completed in a few months and there are a lot of initial work that needs to be done before that, while still continuing my technician role as my current boss has been having difficulty finding someone to replace me. The person that will replace me will be a postdoc, probably having a higher pay level than I, for doing half of what I currently do. I will also have to train this person. While, being the centre's 2nd most underpaid full time staff member... ensure that the integration of our centre's research groups and newly refurbished labs go smoothly. Also, my new contract will only last 6-12 months.

I just found out today that I am two pay scale levels down from an equivalent job in a different faculty.

I keep being told to appreciate what I have, but I'm gonna need more time to accept everything.

What should have been an amazing over-the-moon experience/feeling... has now turned into a disgruntled, unsatisfied employee.
Ahh... how great it is to be uptitled.

It's been 4 weeks, 1 day, 23 hours, 30 minutes.

I still remember the "thud"... as I turned around and see a car slam into my boyfriend.
I still remember the sight of blood and hair on the streets as I ran to his still body in the middle of the intersection.
I still remember how he was lying on the ground.

I held his hand. He squeezed back. For a moment, that comforted me, but only a moment.
I kept looking into his eyes, trying to give some sort of comfort back... but I kept crying.

I still remember everything that happened that day.

  Darksilver